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Going Down the Road
Part 1

-On the movie set, principal's office-

Alanis: *In character* First there was the episode with Mr. Wallfish's toque in the east trough and we mustn't forget the visiting left tenant you deked out and accosted on the tarmac.

Jay: *In character* You understand a word this hoser's saying, Silent Bob? How the hell did she get to be principal when she don't even speak gooder English like us Americans?!

Alanis: *In character* You boys are too bloody stupid to make the grade down in the states and your last hope is the school system of the Great White North eh. You want to get oot of grade 12?!

*Silent Bob nods*

Alanis: *In character* You better start learning what the metric systems all aboot!!!

Jay: *In character* I've got three words for you! Go to-

*Alanis smacks him in the jaw with a hockey stick and he falls back*

Alanis: *In character* There will be no more cuss words out of you, you potty mouth mall rat. You're gonna learn the dual languages of my home and native land and you're gonna savor my poutine!! Cause you're in Canada now eh?!

Kevin: And that'd be a cut! Very nice. Ooh very nice.

Alanis: Really? It wasn't too subtle for you?

Kevin: Subtle no, but I do think the PM's gonna revoke your citizenship.

Alanis: Well where am I gonna hide out from 4 more years of Bush in the states. That's why I'm here.

Kevin: That's why I'm here. Isn't that why you're here Mewesy?

Jay: Oh no sir. That's why I'm here. *He looks at Ashley* Hey how you doing?

Kevin: Craig do not this fool mack on your broad just cause he's been in a few movies kid.

Alanis: A few bad movies.

Kevin: Exact-

Alanis: So sorry Kevin. That was out loud wasn't it? I'm so sorry. Come on Mewesy, let's go make out in the trailer.

Jay: For real?

Alanis: For real.

Kevin: And I cast her in two movies as God. What are you doing here sir, shouldn't you be home writing me a tune?

Ashley: My fault. I dragged him away.

Craig: She's uh, she's abandoning me tomorrow.

Kevin: Oh that's right. London calling. What are you gonna do before you leave the UK?

Ashley: See a movie in Luster Square.

Kevin: Very, very good and make sure you write this dude tons of lovey-dovey post cards. I need him in that frame of mind so he can write me a power ballad. I gotta go back to work. You, I suggest you do the same! Beat it!

Craig: Alright! Not like I'll have anything better to do all summer right?

Ashley: Craig please. You said.

Craig: It's a joke! It's me. It's joking. It's great. It's a great opportunity and I'll be fine. Honest.

Ashley: Less than 24 hours from now and I'm on a plane to England.

-In the hallway, filming for Caitlin's show-

Kevin: So I've always been a huge fan of Canada, obviously. Um I love your country. I like it a lot. You don't invade other countries. You kind of hang back, try to go unnoticed so you don't get invaded, which is very sweet.

Caitlin: Right. So um just for a sec can we talk about the movie?

Kevin: Movie? Come on man, who are you Regis and Kelly?! I mean since when does 'signing off from planet earth, I'm Caitlin Ryan' want to talk about the movies?

Caitlin: How do you know the sign off from my old show? No actually, why?!

Kevin: Well if you'd listened to me the other day you'd know cause I'm creepy. I told you I was a big fan! See I got a real thing for pretty girls who chain themselves to trees and say aboot.

Caitlin: Uh you are using real Degrassi kids as actors, yes?

Kevin: I do. We use real students from the school, we're shooting in the school obviously. Very interested in keeping it real.

Caitlin: Uh and so why set the film-

Kevin: You don't want to say the title do you? Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian Eh?!

Caitlin: Right. Why make them go Canadian?

Kevin: Um well I don't know. If they ever needed a reason I would say that the very alluring women of the true north would make anybody thinking, man wanna go Canadian, Ms. Ryan. Yeah I'm talking about you.

Caitlin: And cut…

-In the cafeteria-

Ashley: Liberty you can buy bottles of those at the grocery store.

Liberty: Why buy them when they're here, gratis.

Spinner: *Talking to Jay as the two of them are working* Hey you should have seen her yesterday with the mini corn. That was really gross.

*Craig walks up and sees them*

Spinner: Dot's catering the shoot k so until summer school starts I'm here and got Jay a job too. So uh what are you having? We have prime rib, chicken cordon bleu, uh-

Craig: I'd rather eat my own liver than accept food from you two scumbags.

Jay: Manning do I need to remind you that I'm holding a big scary knife in my hand?

Craig: Yeah?! Watch your fingers.

Ashley: Did you take your pills last night?

Craig: Don't ask me that. It's embarrassing.

Ashley: No, that was embarrassing.

Craig: Sorry. Sorry.

-In the hallway, filming the movie-

Manny: *In character* Jay when I was born Star Wars had already been out on video for 10 whole years. You're too old.

Jay: *In character* I know there's laws to prevent it. I'm gonna marry that bolognia. She's the sugar in my maple, the cheese in my poutine, the bac in my bacon.

Ellie: *In character* The ick in pathetic.

Kevin: Cut! Very nice Ellie. Ick in pathetic. Manny nice job. You…ehhh.

Ellie: *walks over to Craig* Your director wanted a real goth girl from1988, I guess.

Jay: He heard that, Marilyn Manson.

Kevin: I did and it really hurt. I fought to cast you.

Ellie: Only trying to get Morris here to crack a smile.

Craig: Why? Ash is leaving to England where she's going to find a way cooler guy with an accent, fall madly in love and never, ever come back.

Kevin: Ugh. The angst. Thank god I'm not a teenager anymore.

Craig: It's not funny.

Jay: That's right. It's, it's pathetic. *He touches Ellie's hair*

Kevin: Sir! What uh flirting with disaster over here is trying to say is just go already man! I don't know what you're doing hanging around the hallways of Degrassi all summer anyway. Just find some summer music program, Coldplay or some excuse dude, but just go hang out with your old lady in London you know? What could be better than that?? Beats this. Can I speak with you for a second? The teenage girl thing has to stop. It was funny the first time, now it's just sick.

Jay: Sick?

Kevin: You have problems.

Jay: I know.

-In the media immersion lab-

Caitlin: Step mom alert. Minimize! Minimize!

Craig: You can't even get to porn in here. Simpson has online officer.

Caitlin: What about travel porn?? Money shots of pigeons fowling Trafalgar Square? Big Ben in the rain?

Craig: So you don't think me going to England's the worst idea since…whatever my last idea was?

Caitlin: I think a summer away would be great for you actually.

-In Caitlin's studio-

Kevin: *On the TV* I'm trying to get the Canadian flag into every shot of the movie cause I'm a really big fan of the Canadian flag. So was Mewes until he figured out it was a maple leaf instead of…the whacky.

Thomas: Uh you got something more Hollywood right? More, more dish-y?

Caitlin: Kevin is not exactly dish-y. I mean he's uh more self deprecating. Funny.

Thomas: Funny is good. Especially when it's coming from a bona-fide celebrity. Let's use this opportunity okay? Take Local Heroes to a new level.

Caitlin: A lower level?

Thomas: That's right! We're talking the same language. *He leaves*

Caitlin: Would you uh pull something up for me? From the 3 minute mark.

Kevin: *On the TV* If you look at it, more democrats went to see Shrek 2 last year, than voted in the election, so what's there to get excited about? Or aboot.

Caitlin: That's going in. Don't worry about Thomas. I'll take the bullet. *Her cell phone rings* Hello, Caitlin Ryan? Yes this is she. What?!

-At Joey's house-

Joey: This guy buys an SUV yesterday, top of the line, 80 plus. He comes back today, buys one for the wife!

Caitlin: Wow. Amazing for you! Not for global warming.

Joey: I know. I know, as usual you're my conscience. But honey! Two SUV's!!

Caitlin: Um I had a windfall today too, actually. Uh, a rep for a big, well big-ish broadcaster in LA called. They want to revive Ryan's Planet.

Joey: Really?! From up here?

Caitlin: Down there, but um well of course I can't accept it. Leave my family…

Joey: Your family, which includes a sexy little car magnet(?) who loves you very much. *They kiss* What an honor being asked huh?

Caitlin: Yeah…uh so Craig's in the garage and he has something he wants to talk to you about. As a favor, try to listen?

-In the garage-

Joey: Apparently I'm supposed to be open. As in my mind.

Craig: Okay there's this great music school.

Caitlin: In Camden.

Craig: It's part of London. I'd be earning a credit for next year.

Joey: You want to go to England?

Caitlin: It's just for the summer and he's got education money in his trust fund.

Craig: Yeah Ashley's dad is there and there are like teacher-types in my dorm. Just say yes! Just give in already. Caitlin and I have thought of everything.

Joey: Not six months ago you were hospitalized! Diagnosed bi-polar.

Craig: I'm okay now. I'm on my meds. I've been on them for months.

Joey: Craig no. I, I don't feel comfortable with you being thousands of miles away from me. What if something went wrong? Craig: Right. England probably wouldn't even let a psychopath like me in, right? They already had what, Jack the Ripper and mad cow disease.

Joey: I'm not saying that Craig!

-In the hallway, filming the movie-

Paige: *In character* Listen girl-fiend, you and your so post-pubescent, he makes the Backstreet Boys look relevant, boyfriend can kiss my yoga-toned ass.

Jay: *In character* Listen lady! There's some place's I won't even put my mouth.

Kevin: And that'd be a cut! Thank god. That will bring us out of the scene people and Paige…

Paige: Yes Mr. Smith? Did you love me? Did you really, really love me?

Kevin: Oh love's not the word hon. That's a wrap for you today. Thank you. You were very were very. *He turns to Jay & Ellie* You guys are good. Really good. Let's do the next one.

*He sees Caitlin*

Kevin: Oh my god. Lady you are just flat out haunting me. You hang out on my set any longer I may have to give you lines, put you in the movie.

Jay: She better not get more lines than me sir.

Kevin: Don't worry dude, the movie's not called Caitlin and Silent Bob

Jay: Oh but that's the movie you want to make!

Kevin: Oh I bet!

Jay: X-rated version.

Kevin: Well that was awkward. How are you?

Caitlin: Great. I got a call last night from um, LA.

Kevin: *gasps* A call from LA?! No, I don't believe it!

Caitlin: So I just wanted to thank you for setting it up.

Kevin: No need to thank me.

Caitlin: Well I do because um, I said no.

Kevin: Um no? Wait, no? You didn't, you can't say no.

Caitlin: I have a family. I have my own show. I mean I can't just take off to LA!

Kevin: Not for nothing, but you got to go back to acting globally. Never mind all this local stuff. It's just heartbreaking to see you sitting around cobbling together puff pieces about visiting D-grade celebrities. It's beneath you.

Caitlin: D-grade celebrities?

Kevin: Yeah.

Caitlin: Like you? *She leaves*

Kevin: Wait.

Jay: I'm at least a C-grade celebrity though.

-At Caitlin's studio-

Thomas: Sorry Caitlin. We're locking you out of the edit suite on this one.

Caitlin: What?! You're taking the Kevin Smith spot away from me?

Thomas: Yeah. I want celebrity gossip alright? Even non-celebrity gossip. Hell if this guy spent the whole segment talking about his gay dog, it'd be more enjoyable than this.

Caitlin: What?! It's his process as a filmmaker!

Thomas: Yeah and I'm not laughing alright? I'm not hearing anything about Bennifer!

Caitlin: Every time I hand something in to you, you rip it apart or you change it!! Why?!

Thomas: Why? You tell me Caitlin. This isn't Ryan's World.

Caitlin: Ryan's Planet!

Thomas: Or that. It's Local Heroes!

Caitlin: I quit.

-At the movie theatres, Craig is playing his guitar-

Craig: Yeah so it still needs lyrics, but what do you think?

Jimmy: It's good. It's good. I got something for you: Ashley please don't go. Please don't leave me. Don't fall in love with an ugly Limey.

Craig: Shut up.

Jimmy: Okay you can't throw fries at a kid in a wheelchair.

Joey: Craig.

Craig: Let's go get our seats.

Joey: Craig listen. I know you thought I was being offensive but honestly I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Craig: Yeah well you did! I mean why do I take the stupid pills?! You don't believe I'm better.

Joey: *Holds out a plane ticket* There are conditions though. I will be calling the school to disclose your illness, I want you to call me every day especially if something doesn't feel right and I want Mr. Kerwin to keep an eye on you too.

Craig: Yeah. Everything. Anything. I can handle it! I can. Really.

-Outside Ashley's house, Craig helps Ashley with her luggage-

Craig: Hey! What you got in here?

Ashley: Every shoe I own. Hey. *They kiss* You know I thought this whole goodbye thing was gonna be so hard. I'm so glad you're here and you surprised me.

Craig: Parting is so not sweet sorrow. *He shows her the ticket* I'm uh coming. Tomorrow, but since it's the red eye I'll be in London the day after that.

Ashley: You're just flying to London?

Craig: It's what planes are for.

Ashley: You can't follow me to England.

Craig: Ash come on.

Ashley: Look why are you here doing this? Are you off your meds?

Craig: No I'm not off my meds. I'm here cause I love you and I have plans.

Ashley: Yeah so do I Craig and you said you were okay with them. You said it repeatedly, so what is this?!

Craig: This is me trying to figure out how we're gonna spend the summer together. You think I'm having an episode!

Ashley: I don't know what to think. Look I need space. I need to get away.

Craig: Oh! Okay.

Ashley: From you. Look Craig, I love you, but ever since my dad's wedding it's just been me worrying, me watching for signs, watching what I say.

Craig: Why won't you just believe me? I'm better now. I'm okay. I am.

Ashley: E-mail me okay? I'll see you in September.

-At a bar-

Caitlin: Says it's Local Heroes like, like it's actually a good title.

Kevin: It's the single worst title since Hope Floats.

Caitlin: Thank you!

Kevin: Yeah.

Caitlin: Yeah cause you think he'd want to add some substance to his crappy, unoriginal idea of a show. If he was here right now I would throw this drink with the ice cubes in his face!

Kevin: Listen to you man, right on! This is the Caitlin Ryan I remember. The Caitlin Ryan from the DVDs, Ryan's Planet! That Caitlin Ryan.

Caitlin: No this is the Caitlin that produces fluff, like camping trips and high school blood drives and I need another drink!

Kevin: No hun you don't need another drink, you know? I need about 10 drinks to get to whatever plane you're on right now.

Caitlin: Uh huh. So who's on Kevin's plane anywho?

Kevin: Is that your very drunk charming way of asking me if I'm involved with anybody Ms. Ryan?!

Caitlin: No!

Kevin: No?!

Caitlin: I'm just actually asking if you're gay.

Kevin: Gay?! No I'm not gay! Is that what you think?! Heavens no. Why do I come off as gay? Cause I thought-

Caitlin: A little.

Kevin: Do I really? Right on. Good to know. No, No I'm very into chicks actually. I like chicks quite a bit.

Caitlin: So why aren't you married?

Kevin: Well I think I've just always been waiting for that one woman who I like to refer to as the iris.

Caitlin: Oh my god you're engaged to a woman named Iris and I'm sitting here hitting on you?

Kevin: No hun, no. Calm down. It's…boy are you drunk. You know what it means to iris in? No. You wouldn't remember if you did. Um it's a film term and uh it's like at the end of a Chaplin short. You ever see one of those? When Chaplin's walking away the camera and the images going, shrinking into a little circle, iris-ing in and I think that I've always kind of been waiting for that one woman that just, you know, makes me iris in. I'm sorry did you say you were like hitting on me before?

*They kiss*

Kevin: Oh my god that was so awesome.

*Caitlin grabs her purse and runs off*

Kevin: What are you alright? I'm sorry. Are you alright? I'm sorry. Are you okay? That was awesome for me. Are you-? Caitlin wait!!

-At Craig's house-

Joey: So?

Craig: So.

Joey: So you've been home for half an hour, you haven't said a word. I get it. You don't want to tell the dad all the private details, even if that dad did pay for the plane ticket. Ashley was happy right?

Craig: Thrilled. Blissed out. Neither of us can wait 'til I get there.

Joey: Good.

Craig: Yeah. All this excitement. Got to sleep.

Joey: Alright buddy get some rest. We got a big day tomorrow. We got to get you luggage, money belts, British pounds, tally-ho!

*Caitlin walks in as Craig walks upstairs*

Joey: Young love and not quite so young love. *Caitlin grabs him, throws him on the couch and kisses him* I don't know what kind of love that was, but that was good!

Caitlin: Marry me.

Joey: Have you been drinking?

Caitlin: Yes. No. Yes. Just marry me!! I want to come home to you, I want to wake up with you, I want to focus all my attention on you.

Joey: I thought you'd never ask. Yes.

*Craig is shown in the washroom, looking at one of his pills, then he dumps them all in the garbage*

-Outside Craig's, the next morning-

Joey: Hey you ready? You got everything? Your camera, passport, all my phone numbers, Ashley's dad's number?

Craig: Yes for the 400th time. Stop worrying.

Joey: You're all grown up. Hey I'm proud of you, you know that?

Craig: Yeah.

Caitlin: Have a great trip!

Craig: See you in September.

Joey: Yeah.

*Craig gets in the cab*

Craig: We're not going to the airport. There's been a change of plans.

Going Down the Road
Part 2

-At Degrassi, Spike is doing Caitlin's hair for the movie-

Spike: So your big screen début huh? Are you nervous? You seem a little nervous.

Caitlin: It's normal when you're planning a wedding right??

Spike: What?!

Caitlin: I asked Joey to marry me and he said yes.

Spike: Congratulations! That is so amazing!! *They hug*

Kevin: Alright folks time to shoot. Shoot. Woah! This is why I came up here to shoot. Speaking of which, chance to catch Canadian chicks embracing like that.

Spike: Even if the chicks are already spoken for?

Kevin: Christine you may be spoken for, this one though…

Spike: Asked Joey to marry her. I've got to call Emma. Excuse me.

Kevin: Seriously?

Caitlin: Yeah.

Kevin: Um wow. I must be the worst kisser in the world cause-

Caitlin: No Kevin! No!

Kevin: Uh you know what I'm sorry I've got to set the first shot for the day so I'll just, I'll meet you out there. Hey uh Mewes!!

-In the cafeteria, Spinner sees scrambled eggs on the stove-

Spinner: Jay? Hey I'm not getting freaked out by this lame hide and seek game! I'm gonna eat your breakfast man. Hey!

*He sees someone in a hood walking and jumps on him*

Craig: My arm. Ow.

Spinner: Craig?

Craig: Spinner get off me.

Spinner: Dude what are doing here? I thought you were in England.

Craig: After the song's done for Kevin Smith's movie. He's kind of bending the rules a little bit, he's letting me hang here. Oh my eggs are done. Oh nobody knows, okay?

Spinner: Lips are uh stealed. Um dude I just want to say about Ash and the whole band thing-

Craig: Oh Spin it's in the past. It's like, it's water under the bridge.

Spinner: Okay. Um she was a good contribution though. I mean she knew her stuff.

Craig: No. She was a virus. She gets her way inside. Everything's okay for a bit then bam! She rips it all apart. I'm gonna be in the boiler room. I got work to do, but uh lips sealed my friend right?

-In the science lab, filming-

Jay: *In character* You are the ones who are the filthy potty mouths. These guys keep talking about their periodic table!!

Ellie: *In character* Mrs. Hoffman! He went into my purse, stole my tampons and did, did this!

*Kevin turns around with tampons in his nose*

Kevin: Uh Mrs. Joey that'd be your line hun.

Caitlin: Sorry! Brain-dead over here.

Kevin: I would not disagree with you. Cut! We'll be going again kids.

Ellie: Um can you take your hand off my knee?

Jay: What? What oh? What was that doing there? Naughty. Naughty you!

-In the boiler room, Craig is trying to -

Craig: *singing* Never be a single place. There'll never be a single place. I can see your face, but I know from…I know from fate.

-In the science lab, filming-

Slate girl: Take 35.

Caitlin: *In character* Have you heard about the old fashioned Cajun, Canad-

Kevin: Wrong! Cut.

Slate girl: Take 36.

Caitlin: *In character* Have you heard about the good old fashioned Canadian strap Jason?

Kevin: Okay cut. It's not Jason. That's his name in real life. It's Jay in the movie. It's three lines. Can you get through three lines?

Caitlin: I know my lines Kevin! I'm just, after 36 takes I'm a little bit flustered.

Kevin: You know what? I'm a little bit flustered and I would almost rather have anyone else in this room do the part except you. As a matter of fact, hey uh slate girl why don't you jump in there and do the part.

Slate girl: Do I get paid?

Jay: Even better than that. You swing by my trailer, we'll do a little open mouth kissing.

Slate girl: Uh no!

Kevin: Don't listen to this fool. It's real easy. Just jump behind there. Start acting like you're not up in your head thinking about wedding gowns.

*Caitlin starts to leave*

Kevin: Where are you going?

Caitlin: Maybe you should start acting like a director and not some jealous boyfriend!!

Kevin: Yeah well maybe you should try acting like an actress instead of whatever it is that TV that…she's gone.

Slate girl: *In character* Well Jay that doesn't cut it for me or any other woman at this school, so from this point on I want you to just stop-

Craig: Kevin? Is Kevin here?

Kevin: Cut!!

Craig: Okay the problem I was having I was writing a love song. It should be like a, like a breakup, like leaving high school is breaking up with your teen years What do you think?

Kevin: I think you got to do what you got to do. Craig what are you doing here?

*Craig rushes out of the room*

Spinner: Um Mr. Smith?

Kevin: Yeah. Oh my god who are you now?

Spinner: I'm, I'm Spinner. I'm a friend of Craig's.

Kevin: Well Spinner, friend of Craig's, what is Craig doing here instead of being in England where he's supposed to be?

Spinner: He's staying here on set. He's sleeping here. He told me you knew that.

Kevin: I knew that? Spinner the only thing I know is that making a movie with a bunch of high school kids, way worse than making a movie with Ben Affleck. Way worse. Take one of these.

*Kevin takes some fruit from Spinner, and Spinner dials a number on his cell phone*

-In the boiler room, Joey and Spinner walk in-

Craig: Oh Kevin! Great, great, great!! Come on in! I'm still working on the lyrics! Let me just play what I-

*He sees Joey and Spinner*

-At Craig's house-

Caitlin: *On the phone* I think you know what you can do with Tessa Campanelli's address Nick. Oh uh that's Joey coming in the door. Yup! Okay. Bye. Uh invite list is shaping up.

Joey: Remind me. Did I or did I not tell you that sending Craig off to England was a bad idea Caitlin?

Caitlin: Woah. Don't make it my fault!

Joey: Oh no? It was your idea. You supported it and now he and Ashley broke up and you know what, he's been living in the Degrassi boiler room.

Angela: Okay, we're going upstairs.

Caitlin: Aren't you at all curious as to why he lied? Felt he couldn't trust you?

Joey: Trust me? I'm the only one he can trust.

Caitlin: Joey you fly off the handle!!

Joey: And you don't think! You never have! Like up and, and quitting your job! Why?

Caitlin: Oh okay thanks for mixing up the fight Joey!! And as for Craig, Kevin and I saw what you couldn't! His heart was breaking.

Joey: Well you know what? I am more concerned about his mind right now because it is a hell of a lot more fragile. And look if you want to consider yourself a part of this family-

Caitlin: Don't pull the family card because if it wasn't for me you wouldn't even have a roof over your head!

-At Kevin's trailer, Caitlin is crying-

Caitlin: You were right and you're the only person I want to talk to.

Kevin: Come in.

-In the streets, Craig sees a bum trying to make money by playing drums-

Skinny: Hey not a free show.

*Craig pulls out his guitar*

Skinny: Uh I meant that as a donation. Not a duet.

Craig: Alright.

*They start playing together and people drop in some money.

Skinny: Beggars can't be choosers huh. Skinny.

Craig: Craig.

Skinny: Craig I'll tell you what, you play another hour and uh I'll split what we rake in 50/50.

Craig: Throw in a place to crash and it's a deal.

Skinny: Done.

-In the gymnasium, they're filming a dance-

Caitlin: Is it Kevin now or Silent Bob?

Kevin: What brings you back to my setup Ms. Ryan?

Caitlin: Uh I just wanted to thank you for the pep talk last night and um being a friend.

Kevin: I am a friend. For now. The next time you show up in my room, 2 in the morning I'm getting to second base at least. Maybe third. Deal?

Caitlin: Deal.

Manny: *In character* Jay if you really love me than you're gonna have to wait until I'm 18.

Jay: *In character* I'd wait forever my love. What grade are you in?

Manny: *In character* I'm a freshman.

Jay: *In character* Freshman?! Yo is there any seniors up in this piece?

*Kevin puts out his hand asking Caitlin for a dance*

Kevin: Come on.

Caitlin: Shouldn't you be directing?

Kevin: Like I ever direct.

Caitlin: What kind of movie is this anyway?

Kevin: It's my movie alright and in my movie Kevin Smith gets to dance with Caitlin Ryan.

*A couple ninjas jump out from the stage and Manny screams*

Jay: *In character* Oh snap. Canadian ninjas lunchbox!! Hip hip! Snoogin(?)!!

*Jay and Silent Bob start fighting the ninjas and Joey walks into the scene*

Jay: *In character* Oh sir look!

Joey: Hey hey! Sorry. I'm looking for Caitlin.

Kevin: Cut!!

Caitlin: Listen I know I should have called, but by the time I woke up Spike to let me come in and crash-

Joey: Just forget about that okay?! I can't find Craig anywhere. I think he's run away again.

Caitlin: What?

Joey: Look I called his friends, I called the police. I even called Ashley in London. Okay they haven't seen him. He's just disappeared. He even stopped taking his medication.

Caitlin: Okay we'll find him, alright? You and me. Come on.

-In the streets-

Skinny: Three dollars and 82 cents. You know what that gets us?

Craig: These are hard times and I think with the weather and I don't know, maybe the economy and all-

Skinny: Hey.

Craig: You want to ask him for money?

Skinny: Why ask when I could take his wallet.

Craig: Woah. We can't just rob somebody.

Skinny: You know how much his car is worth and we can't even afford dinner.

Craig: Wait. Skinny stop.

*Skinny punches Craig*

Craig: What was that for?!

*Craig hits him back, Skinny starts beating up Craig, then picks up his guitar*

Craig: No not my guitar! No, no, not my guitar! Please!

Skinny: Looks more like breakfast, lunch, dinner and a lot of meals after that.

Craig: No not my guitar! No! No please not my guitar!

*Joey is shown handing a picture to the police*

-At Craig's house, Caitlin and Angie are working on missing person posters-

Caitlin: That's perfect Angie.

*There's a knock at the door*

Caitlin: Hey.

Kevin: Hey. Hope this isn't being too intrusive.

Caitlin: No.

Kevin: I just had a few hours till call tonight and I felt like maybe I should stop by and see if you guys heard anything.

Angela: Craig still isn't home.

Caitlin: We're dying over here. Just wish we could talk to him you know? Two minutes, anything.

Kevin: Well do you think maybe a public appeal made by a Z-Grade celebrity might help in any way? It's worth a shot right?

-At a soup kitchen, Craig is eating soup-

Craig: This is fine. This is just like home, just like my mom made. This is fine. This is fine.

Kevin: *On the TV* We need your help finding uh this teenager. His name is Craig Manning, he's 16 years old, he goes to Degrassi Community School and he's been missing since yesterday. This is his dad Joey.

Craig: I know that guy! It's Kevin! Hey!

Joey: *On the TV* Craig. We all love you. Just want you back okay? Just please come home to us.

Craig: It's Kevin Smith. I'm writing a song for his movie. It's Kevin Smith. I'm writing a song for his movie. Here listen. *Singing* There'll never be a single place where I feel safe, where I can escape from you! Huh do you like it? I wrote it. Yeah.

*There's a guy at the soup kitchen that looks at the picture on the TV and recognizes Craig in front of him*

Joey: *On the TV* If anyone knows him please call 1-555-MISSING.

-Outside the school-

Kevin: So thanks for dropping me off. It was really cool of you. Sure you don't want to hang out tonight? We're shooting the big football game scene where Jay saves Apollonia from the soul-sucking cheerleaders of Kingsburg.

Caitlin: I should really be there for when Joey brings Craig back.

Kevin: Yeah. Joey.

Caitlin: Thank you.

Kevin: For what?

Caitlin: Everything.

Kevin: I'm sorry I have to try this again. *Goes in to kiss her*

JT: Mr. Smith?

Kevin: James Tiberius!

JT: A testy first AD wants you on set. As in immediately.

Kevin: Tell him I'll be there in a couple. Go. Adults are talking now. That uh AD is kind of a man-eater so I'm gonna head off. Hey. Just don't settle alright? You know for somebody else's idea of what the real world is. You're just far too cool a chick for that. Pick your own real world. You deserve that much.

-At the soup kitchen-

Craig: Guitar. My guitar. He took my guitar when I said!! When he knew that it was mine! *He sees Joey* Joey! Joey. Joey can help me get my guitar back can't you Joey? Listen he stole it. My friend. No. Not my friend! Does Caitlin hate me?

Joey: Why would Caitlin hate you?!

Craig: Because I make you fight. And I run away and I, I always hurt you. Like my dad hurt me. You know my dad used to hit me? Oh but you just think I'm crazy. Everyone just thinks I'm crazy!

Joey: No I don't think you're crazy! You're ill okay Craig? It's the bipolar acting up.

Craig: You blame everything on me being crazy!!

Joey: I won't. I won't, I promise you. Never again okay? Just can we get you home. Craig please.

Craig: Joey. My guitar. What did I do with my guitar? Just help me find it please.

-At Craig's house-

Joey: He's asleep. I got him to agree to go to the police first thing and give a description of this Skinny. Who calls themselves that anyways?

Caitlin: Who calls themselves Snake or Wheels?

Joey: I just hope this guy's neck is skinny enough for me to break.

Caitlin: He might be mentally ill too Joey! Remember that. I mean maybe he's another lost Craig.

Joey: Oh come on! You don't see Craig beating up strangers in the street do ya?

Caitlin: No he just beats you up at home!

Joey: Just…forget it.

Caitlin: What are we doing Joey?

Joey: Fighting. Like usual.

Caitlin: All we ever do is fight. I mean Craig's upstairs safe and sound. How can we get married? Really. I mean I love you and Craig and Angela so much, but this it's just…

Joey: It's not what it should be. So are you gonna take that job offer in LA?

Caitlin: Thinking about it yeah.

-In the auditorium, filming the scene where Jay and Silent Bob

Jay: *In character* Yo Edmond Fitzgerald Secondary me and Lunchbox would to thank yous Canadians for treating us like one of yous guys. You all talk stupid but you have great beer.

Kevin: *In character* Let me just add because…heavens. But beat your blizzards or your bonome (?) de neige or your courier du bois!!

Jay: *In character* What kind of baby talk is that? That was just-

*Kevin hits Jay in the crotch and he falls over*

Jay: Dude!!

Kevin: *In character* You made me and my fawn hetero-life mate feel like a big part of your home and native land and seriously made this the best bleepin' year of our lives. Woo!!

*Everyone throws off their graduation caps*

Kevin: Cut! Degrassi that's a wrap!!

*Everyone starts cheering*

Kevin: *He hugs Ellie and Toby* Kids! Don't ever work again! Thank you. Thank you for all your help

Kevin: *Hugs Manny* You! You were heaven on earth love, now get out of my way.

Jay: Sir why do you always have to get the last line in?

Kevin: Why does it bother you so much is my question.

Jay: Cause you're always trying to upstage me! Oh look at me I'm Silent Bob!

Kevin: Oh look at this! *He hits him in the crotch again*

Jay: Dude! I took the cup off!

Kevin: And I knew that. Mr. Manning.

Craig: Kevin.

Kevin: Well remembered sir. Oh hello.

Caitlin: Congratulations.

Kevin: Thank you Ms. Ryan.

Caitlin: And now congratulate me.

Kevin: Why would I be doing that exactly?

Caitlin: Cause I said yes to the LA offer.

Kevin: No!

Caitlin: Ryan's Planet will spin once again because of you.

Kevin: Come here.

*They hug while Joey sees them and leaves the room*

Craig: Joey where are you going? The party's just getting started.

Joey: Home. Sorry Caitlin's home.

Craig: We're supposed to talk remember? It goes both ways.

Joey: *crying* I don't want her to go.

*Craig hugs him*

Craig: I know. I know. But I'm here and Angie's here and we're not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere.

Joey: Okay.

-Back in the auditorium-

Kevin: Folks I would like to raise a very simple toast. To Degrassi!

*Everyone is cheering and Joey and Caitlin raise a sad toast to each other*